I’m avoiding mirrors and shiny surfaces. If I catch one more glimpse of myself in an ill-fitting service industry uniform pushing a drinks trolley, I’ll drop everything and run out screaming. Getting shouted at whilst wearing a chef’s outfit was preferable and less hazardous to my mental health than this general, faceless work. Einstein was […]

I’m burning loose ends and tying up my bridges before confusion sets in. Some niggling feeling at the back of my brain tells me I’m too late, that I have in fact counted my chickens after they’ve bolted. Maybe a recap would help. This is how things currently stand… I’ve said no to more kitchen […]

I was alone at a funeral, preparing a grave-side tea and biscuit service. There was a light rain falling and a westerly breeze. I had no way of knowing they were coming. I had my back to them, didn’t see them dragging themselves towards me from the car park. They were silent and lumbering. Obese extras […]

Deserted. Roads stretching out to nothingness. I’m so far out of town, the next stop is the spirit world. I walk past a drive through florist and an auto repair shop sporting an aptly worded ‘spare body parts’ sign. I eye every drain cover and overhanging tree branch with suspicion. You never know, maybe they’re […]

Sometime around one in the morning I wake Bret who’s been sleeping in the pantry, slumped forward on a beer keg. The ability to drop off anywhere is just one of his many superpowers. “This place is a morgue before two darling. A light goes off in their tiny minds and all they want is […]

INTERIOR: Corporate box at the Melbourne Grand Prix. Only three customers sip drinks at tables. Heavy rain has made racing impossible, on this, the 3rd day of the event and the four members of staff are huddled behind the bar to keep warm. Cast: Barton: Barman Gabrielle: Barista Andrea: Waitress Tanya: Waitress (With heavy Russian […]

We’re queuing for ponchos. “No man should ever carry an umbrella.” Says a spotty youth loudly and proudly in front of me. He obviously prefers the Mexican peasant look. The Melbourne Grand Prix workforce snakes around the corner and out of sight. We need rainwear, aprons and security passes. The recruitment drive has brought every […]

I’ve been called to the highest office in the land. Well…thirty of us have to be precise. We’re to be drinks robots: smooth, shiny, non-speaking – unless spoken to – refreshment providers to upper-class types. Correction: I keep forgetting that Australia is a classless society. They keep telling me but it slips my mind. So […]

Ruby says West Melbourne is all she knows and talks of East Melbourne like an unknown country. “They drive funny up there. They even show different films, like, ones I’ve never even heard of before.” Ruby is extremely short sighted and says that we’re all just a blur with her glasses off. She removes them […]

It’s 35 degrees in the shade and here we are on the 11th hole, keeping cool in the relative shade of a small marquee. Every fifteen minutes or so the pros and the celebs pass through and pepper the small lake in front of us with golf balls before giving up and consuming more cheese […]

I’m woken by the faintest noise of feet on carpet and spring to life. I’m recuperating from my week of Airshow kitchen by grabbing forty winks in a storeroom with the lights off. The cool change has come to Melbourne and I’m back out in the middle of nowhere, taking it easy in the relative […]

I’m just staggering up to the kitchen compound when the voice of head chef Bob rises above all else. Even the jets. “I’ll tear his fucking head off when I see him!” Oh christ what have I done now. I mentally go through the last things I prepared. Did I poison someone? Leave one of […]

GOOD MORNING MELBOURNE!! It’s 4.30am. I need someone to drag me out of bed. Where’s Forest Whitaker when you need him. There’s a light rain falling and the street’s empty except for a couple walking a small dog. The dog looks happy but the couple look startled. I think their alarm clock malfunctioned. An hour […]

“Be happy in your work” Old Japanese proverb. A large sweaty man is stirring a metal vat with a spoon the size of a prosthetic hip for a Tyrannosaurus rex. Occasionally the contents of the vat spill out onto the floor and steam gathers round his ankles. The trolleys behind him are piled high with dirty […]

I’ve noticed that once I get people talking they tend to veer towards the darkness. It’s like I’ve hung a sign round my neck saying “Psychologist in training. First session free.” It’s the disappointments they want to exhume; the heartbreak and hard luck stories. The good times they tend to keep for themselves. They’re not giving […]

“Lions.” Says Charlie. “What about lions?” But he doesn’t reply. He puts his magazine down and stares out the window. He looks sad. The giggling late teens who were so chatty and rambunctious on the way to the festival have all passed out, mouths gaping. We’re heading back into Melbourne, work shifts over. I’m about […]

A tiny piece of finger is lying on the chopping board amongst the tomatoes. It belongs to me. I’ve been on the job approximately 12 minutes and the fact that I was given a proper chef’s outfit duped me into believing I could slice and dice as speedily as the bona fide chef working opposite me. […]

“Don’t expect too much darling, because believe me, it’ll be as boring as batshit.” Bret hasn’t looked up from his phone for ten minutes. He’s keeping up on world news and doing his best to deflate my excitement. We lucked-out on this bar shift: a grandstand view at the races from an air-conditioned corporate box […]

Melman is Lebanese. If you like you can picture the animated, hypochondriac giraffe from Madagascar, but this Melman is short, dark and has no spots. Perhaps the only similarity is that like his cartoon namesake, he’s far from home and is no longer sure where home is, having moved around from America to Syria to […]

Four of us. Car share. Middle of nowhere. Until the large modern conference centre rises up out of the bush landscape we think we’ve missed a turn. It’s plush, air conditioned and has a swimming pool odour about it. We change into our uniforms for the day. Collarless shirts should make us look like the […]